​I posted last week about viewing the whole experience of being an Empty Nester in a positive light using Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice for my examples.. I joked about trying to not over parent and leave the munchkins to spread their wings in peace. Like many things it is much easier to say something than actually follow through and this week I’ve come remarkably close to overstepping the mark several times! I can only thank my kids for their levels of tolerance of my constant urge to over-parent.
 
I’ve noticed that whilst things are going super well with the girls, I can ‘play it cool’ and stay reasonably detached, but when there is even the teeniest glimmer of any problem (however small) I am suddenly there, offering unsolicited advice, suggesting ways of fixing things, judging and generally being an all round pain in the neck!
 
To be serious, any desire to over parent at this time does stem from real worry about whether the kids are doing ok as it is quite likely that they will feel at least a little bit homesick and have their own ‘stuff’ going on. The irony is that in trying to help it is easy to exacerbate this. A worry (another!) is that I don’t want the girls to ‘not tell me’ things about their life because of how I respond. I’m also concerned that they have both inherited, to some extent at least, the ‘Flint worry gene’ and that this creates problems for them in their own life! This is definitely not good! If only I could go back in time and learn earlier about role-modelling. Of course I can’t, but it is never too late to try to improve. I am therefore determined to put proper strategies in place to cope with Empty Nesting anxiety. This is what I have come up with:

​Strategies to avoid over-worry leading into over-parenting!
 
Reminders

• Remind myself that we’ve spent twenty odd years equipping the girls to manage the complexity of adult life. They are not helpless.
• Remind myself that my anxiety linked to their facing new challenges is the same anxiety I felt throughout their childhood milestones. We and they more than coped then. The same applies now.
• Remind myself that the girls know that there is no issue too large and nothing too trivial that they couldn’t come to us with.

 
Perspective

• Use strategies like re-phrasing to keep perspective and reduce harm. For example, instead of, ‘they will never learn how to navigate the city and will fail their degree’, rephrase to, ‘in time they will find their way around and they will catch up on anything missed.’
• Know that many other parents are feeling the exact same emotions as myself.
• ·Know that my children are not the only ones to have ever left home and gone to university.
• ·Know that ‘time’ means that any disquiet and turmoil of emotions will be temporary.

 
Distractions and Treats

• Use the time to indulge myself in a bit of retail therapy.
• Exercise a lot as that is tried and tested for reducing stress.
• Read for escapism.
• Write (such as now-it is helping!)

​Acknowledge the Problem

• Keep a journal. I had an ‘Annie diary’ that I wrote in for the first few months of Annie going to university as a way of managing worry. Maybe I need to get a ‘Betsy diary’ too.
• Share with the kids how you are feeling. They are empathetic beings and will 'get it'.
• Seek advice from the kids about what is appropriate and inappropriate for you to do. Daily visits are a no-no!
• Have your own version of ‘Saint Mick of Thana’ listen to how you are feeling. A problem shared is a problem halved.
• Chat to other mums (or dads) who may be feeling the same.

 
Be Practical and Realistic

• Only send one message or make one call for every ten you want to make.
• Allow yourself one self-indulgent over-parenting action a day - ok, a week!

​It’s Just Mum being Mum
 
I'm not sure that is great advice to myself really, but I am completely aware of the negatives that over-parenting can bring. It’s a bit like knowing smoking is harmful but still not giving up. I’m also aware that my anxiety may be linked to other things going on in life so I’m mindful of not transferring this onto the kids. I’m not successful but I’m mindful!
 
I had a funny text exchange last night. Betsy told me she had made rice and egg for dinner. I asked how it was and the response was 5 out of 10. I immediately offered to buy her a rice cooker to get the score higher. Her response is in the image below!

I did find it quite funny, but I guess it also shows how annoying I can be. In our family the girls share what I am like with each other (I think!)  and I suspect I am the butt of a few jokes. That’s fine and I’m hopeful it serves to lessen the irritation that my over-parenting brings with it. I think behind the scenes Mick also probably smooths things over when I’m ‘too much’ and reminds the girls that any over-protectiveness only stems from loving them so much. ​

Despite all of the above I still can't help thinking that ultimately it is quite likely that mum does know best after all and that the girls really shoud seek my wise counsel and obviously follow everything I suggest! Right back to the drawing board. I need to re-read this post and try again! 

Sleep Deprived Empty Nesters

​I’m lying here in bed at 3.35 a.m. listening to the rain outside wondering whether Annie got home ok from her night out yesterday. I’m not too worried as I know she was travelling with her friend Alfie, but I question whether it is raining over in Spain too and if not whether it is cold. I hope that she has remembered to wear a proper coat. I know she won’t have put gloves on or even taken any to Salamanca with her. I check my phone to see if she has messaged but I am not expecting anything. It is her third year at university and I have slowly weaned myself off from asking her check in every ten minutes. I often manage up to an hour now! (Only half joking!)

Mick is in Bangkok and will probably be just getting up, I bet the dog is barking for attention. Betsy is in York and has messaged earlier to say that she is safely home from her evening out. There is no one to disturb if I switch on my very loud coffee machine so I get up and make myself a drink. It’s ok, but I know that Mick would scorn the inferior ‘bargain basement’ coffee beans. Only two weeks until half term when I see him. This makes me smile. I breathe out. For the first time this week my anxiety levels are within acceptable levels. Relax 

I pick up Lucy Worsley’s Jane Austen At Home which I’m about half way through. I adore Jane Austen, (particularly Pride and Prejudice) and admire Lucy Worsley but I’m soon sleepy. I lay the book aside. I have planned to blog in the morning about ‘Empty Nesters’ and I drift off wondering what type of empty nesters Mr and Mrs Bennet were. ....

​Empty Nesters – Are you a Mr Bennet or a Mrs Bennet?

Signs that you are a Mr Bennet

• Mr Bennet sat alone in his study bereft at the idea of losing Elizabeth to that cold hearted Mr Darcy. Little did he know! You sit alone on your kid’s bed cuddling their childhood teddies resenting the cold hearted university institution which has stolen your child away from you!

• Mr Bennet knew that marrying Mr Darcy gave Elizabeth a sound start in her adult life, but still didn’t think he was quite good enough for her. This was despite his excellent principles and immense wealth. You think that your child’s university is extremely lucky to have them. 

• Mr Bennet reluctantly accepts that Elizabeth has to leave home and gives his permission to go on the understanding that she is happy. His goodbye is understated. You let your child go, she has worked hard to pass those exams and is excited to get on with her life, but the departure is very bitter-sweet and is amidst many jokes that she can always come home if she doesn’t settle. 

• Mr Bennet has not carefully managed his finances and feels somewhat ashamed about this. He feels a sense of regret, but this is nothing in comparison to the sense of loss he feels about losing Elizabeth and Jane. You also wish you’d started planning financially for university earlier but it isn’t money that your heart is aching about. 

• Mr Bennet knows that Elizabeth will frequently invite him to Pemberley so stoically gets on with his life. You do the same, but it is a slow process and your kids are constantly in your thoughts.

​Signs that you are a Mrs Bennet.

• Mrs Bennet shows how she feels in a demonstrative, loud and melodramatic manner. When she feels warmly towards Darcy and Bingley she prepares lavishly for their visits. You are the same about university. You have bought every kitchen appliance invented for your child to take (though they won’t touch half of them), know more about freshers fair than they do and have had to be warned off from making a parent ‘facebook’ group and meeting her flatmates’ parents for coffee.

• Mrs Bennet is fickle and when she feels disdain for Bingley and Darcy she shows it. She doesn’t bother to search out the truth and jumps to conclusions. You know implicitly that any teething problems your son or daughter has settling into university are not of their making but must be the fault of the university! 

• Mrs Bennet ‘takes to her bed’ when upset, yet recovers quickly if a ball or other social event is in the offing. You cry loudly and lengthily when your daughter leaves, insisting on leaving everything in their room untouched for their return. By the end of Term 1, however, you’ve turned yourself around, got a whole new social life, started new hobbies and have moved to a smaller house without telling your kids (ok, maybe not the last part!) 

• Although an acquired taste Mrs Bennet is impulsive and fun. She encourages her kids to enjoy themselves and take every opportunity offered to be social and extract gossip from the neighbouring community. This turns out to be very detrimental to Lydia’s well being but ‘c’est la vie’. You are the same - spending lavishly and wildly on your daughter’s fresher’s events and living surreptitiously through your child’s partying. After all it’s important to belong.

• I imagine Mrs Bennet frequently visiting Jane and Elizabeth. She will overstay her welcome and drive the family to distraction, though Jane and Bingley, will be especially patient with her. You will turn up and surprise your child unexpectedly, embarrass them in front of their friends, share inappropriate childhood stories whilst constantly reassuring yourself that you’re being a great parent and it is for their good that you are refusing to leave town.

​Obviously I’m being a bit flippant but being an empty nester isn’t easy. I was expecting to come down far more heavily as a Mr Bennet type than a Mrs Bennet type, though I think I’m actually a bit of both. Nostalgic and melancholic one minute, then excited for the girls the next. I’m definitely not above a touch of ‘wow I’m free to do what I like now’ feeling!

Austen, having turned down marriage proposals herself, continually shows in her writing how restricted and limited opportunities for women to live independently were in her time. I think she would wholeheartedly approve of the circumstances in today’s society leading to mums and dads sadness about being empty nesters. She’d probably tell us to ‘suck it up’ and be thankful for such great opportunities for our kids. I can almost hear her advising the girls about their futures. 'Don’t settle for what you don’t want and if you do go to university choose a Darcy not a Wickham'. She’s right of course (especially about choosing a Darcy!). It would be so easy to describe this transitional ‘empty-nesting’ time as one of ‘loss’ and ‘sadness’ and I do feel those things a bit, but I’ve decided it is far more productive to describe this as a time of ‘opportunity’, ‘growth’ and ‘adventure’ for the whole family.

Empty nesters, the world awaits us! That’s not to say you won’t find me sitting in the girls bedrooms occasionally with a soft toy or item of clothing in my arms .. just having a quiet moment!

Gratitude and Ordinary Moments

​I’ve blogged before about how completing my ‘grateful list’ each day, even when I don’t feel like doing it, is important to me. I really do think that actively and consciously expressing gratitude creates positive emotions and increases personal well-being. I suppose it’s a kind of  ‘you reap what you sew’ scenario in which, even if you don’t feel like reaping, you should ‘fake it to make it’! – I’m not sure I’m expressing myself very well, but hopefully you get the idea. Weirdly since I first wrote this blog the other day I have come across the idea of celebrating ordinary 'parenting moments' as a group on a superb website I've come across. It's kind of what I was getting at but much better!  It is a feature called 'Ordinary Moments' on a website by Donna Wishart called What the Redhead Said. Definitely have a look at it. 

 Seemingly Ordinary Moments

Anyhow, this morning I really did not want to swim. It was flipping freezing outside (well compared to Bangkok anyway) and I was tucked up in bed, snug as a bug in a rug; having not having had a great deal of sleep I was desirous of more. (Sleep deprivation being the price an over anxious mum pays when she knows that her baby girl, Betsy, is out night-clubbing in York until 3.00 am.) When my alarm went at 6.00 a.m. I was very tempted to ignore it, but a motivational text, sent by my good friend Rach, pinged in which chivvied me into getting up, facing the dark morning and joining the other early swimmers at Ancholme Leisure Centre. As Rach had rightly predicted I felt really good after swimming and was grateful for her text. Although it was just a ‘moment’ it was one that I will remember positively.
 
I think that whilst there’s no doubt that big life changing events, such as holding your little newborn for the first time and stuff like that, are massive it is also often small life ‘moments’ from which we make our memories and significantly from which our sense of self-worth comes. For some reason driving home from swimming this morning loads of these random and seemingly insignifcant precious moments arrived fast and furious. The speed probably linked to my being in the Boxter-don’t forget the ‘S’. (I thought I might as well say that before Mick does when he reads and corrects this post!) Mick might not be able to account for the random nature of the ‘moments’ swimming into my mind though. I think it was perhaps because whilst swimming I had been listening to Audrey Niffeneger's 'The Time Traveller’s Wife' so my brain was primed for thinking about the past and jumping through time.

​Here are just a few completely random insignificant significant moments:
 
Precious Moments

• Being about 19 years old and a backseat passenger in the car with my mum and my Grandad Bob. I remember listening to my mum passionately defend my choice of music to him. and them both laughing. We had on Billy Bragg, not my mum’s first, second or even fiftieth choice! Weird how something so small made sure that I knew she had always had and always would have my back.
• Watching a very young Mick walk across the square at the University of Essex, dressed in a dodgy tracksuit, which, as I recall was far too shiny for its own good. I didn’t know him but I did know instantly that our futures would somehow be linked. I think that is a modified version of love at first sight!
• Going down to the monument in the village to ‘hang out’ and knowing within a few minutes of ‘hanging’ that I was never destined to be a ‘cool kid’. More importantly knowing that I didn’t mind at all. I preferred being at home watching ‘Fame’ and chilling with mum and dad.
• Working as ‘Pop Alley Sally’ on a Saturday in Jackson Grandways (a local supermarket) and overhearing the caretaker, Mr Bird, tell my mum (who was my supervisor and gave me all the rotten jobs!) that I was a lovely girl. I was chuffed to have made my mum proud, less chuffed to have to always do the sweeping up.
• Driving to the incomplete Humber Bridge on a weekend to see how the building work was coming along. I remember peering up to the top and looking for my dad’s crane, genuinely believing that my clever old dad had built it all himself.
• Eating trifle for breakfast that my mum had made and thinking it was great that she didn’t mind. It was delicious!
• Having my mum make time to ‘hot-brush’ my hair before schoool, between doing the veg for tea and cleaning up. She taught and teaches me time and time again how not to be selfish.
• Hearing my brother defend something I’d said to his friend Paul. Perhaps he liked me a little bit really!
• At university, listening to my friend Alison share a diary entry she’d written. It went something like “Frances and Sally cut my hair today. It is a bit short and a bit crooked, but I tried not to mind.” Alison, who sadly died of Cystic Fibrosis a few years later, taught me how to be brave and how to be funny.
• Being in about Year 4 and playing football with my friend Suzanne and a crowd of ‘boys’, which also included her brothers. When Suzanne injured herself  her brothers said that I was the one who had to look after her because I was a girl. I remember feeling a huge sense of injustice and outrage, but did as was requested! 

Signficant Moment Sharing
 
I could keep going on and on, but my point isn’t to bore everyone to tears, though I can’t seem to stop the memories flooding in. Perhaps I’ll have to devote one of  the ‘five a day items’ on my grateful list to a memory. There’s no doubt that re-visiting seemingly unimportant moments are good for the soul!
 
Of course, I couldn’t have known that these seemingly insignificant events would become precious memories, helping to form who I am, influencing how I react to my own family and friends, and even being instrumental in determining my self-esteem and level of well being. I’m smiling ironically to myself as I write this post; even to myself I’m sounding a bit hippy dippy. Everyone will wonder if I’ve had a bump to the head. Would it be a step too far into the realms of ‘born again upbeat-ness’ to suggest that we have a feel good fest of facebook ‘significant insignificant moments’ sharing? Perhaps it would, so instead maybe just a quiet reflection would suffice …  having said that if you feel the urge to share your ‘precious moments' I’d love to hear them!

I've now just come across this blog post too from Blog Lovin' website. It seems I'm not very original at all and I'm jealous of all these great blogs! !