Is Making Friends with Colleagues a Recipe for Disaster
Living overseas and being thousands of miles from family and friends back at home, I have found that the expat friends I have made are extremely important to me. Friends made whilst living living abroad know first hand what it is like to be away from home living in an alien environment with a foreign language to navigate (or not). They understand the issues surrounding your children being third culture kids; they empathise with your homesickness, not just for family but for seasons, and sports fixtures; supermarkets and being called ‘love’ in the  high street shops. The friends you make share worry and concern about family back home and laugh with you at the frustrations that come with living in particular cities (why can’t Thai people do roundabouts?). They share your lust for adventure and new experiences. Expat friends are transient not stationary. They come and go and understand the stresses of relocating somewhere new; the reliance on social media to keep in touch is a given.
 
Expat friendships are a big deal. Trust is essential as communities are tight knit and gossip can be rife. I think that I’d go as far as to say that these special friendships can almost take on the status of being equivalent to  a ‘second’ family. This isn't necessarily positive - haha -  friends really do get to know each other inside out – ‘warts ‘n’ all’!

So that’s all well and good, but what is problematic is that these deep and meaningful all giving and consuming expat friendships, are probably made at work, in my case, at school and this definitely has cons as well as pros.

​Cons of being Friends with a Colleague
 

• You can’t get away with exaggerating the truth about a situation or person! Your friend will see right through you if you try.
• It is easy sometimes to get into a loop of negativity about work where friends feed off one another. This is not helpful nor productive.
• It is hard to say ‘no’ to a favour asked by a colleague who is also a friend.
• It’s hard to ask a favour of a friend without feeling like liberties are being taken.
• It is not always easy to retain a professional detachment and polite demeanour with a close friend when you disagree over a work issue. Tempers can flare!
• It can be harder to be rational about work issues when discussing them with friends (or husbands – or even friends and husbands together!)
• It is difficult to leave work differences at work.
• It is tempting to chat (gossip) about other colleagues you wouldn’t count as friends, but you both know. That’s not a kind thing to do.
• If a friend rightly keeps all confidences about work issues and doesn’t share stuff, it can feel like a snub to then not to be confided in.
• If a friend ends up teaching your kids (or vice versa) it can be nearly as problematic as teaching your own kids! It isn’t done to be called Aunty Sal in the classroom!
• If a friend doesn’t cut you some slack at work, when they know you are having a hard time, then it causes a lot more resentment than it would with a colleague with whom you were not pals.
• If a friend upsets you out of work it is difficult to not bring these niggles to the day job.
• It matters that much more who you trust. You can’t risk confiding in anyone who might turn into a ‘fairweather’ friend.
• If a friend turns out to be loyal, kind and super supportive it is tempting to spend too much time seeking them out and chatting in the staffroom when both they and you need to get on. Sorry Rach!

That is a long list of negatives which seems ironic when all my close expat friends did actually start out as colleagues. (It was a treat for me when I became a cross-campus member of staff as I then went on to make some lovely new Primary teacher friends too.) I do know some teachers who avoid making friendships with colleagues from school because of the potential problems as listed above. Not so me! I think with a bit of humour and the occasional eating of humble pie, colleagues can become the best friends you are likely to find. Lets face it a friend who is a colleague, especially one who is a teacher, is someone with whom you are likely to share a lot in common. If you are passionate about teaching and learning then there is always something to talk about. If a friend is a real friend they will even be forgiving if occasionally you act like a petulant teenager and fail to maintain an absolute professional decorum at work (At least I hope that’s the case!) Sorry Jackie!

I feel certain that the friends I’ve made at Patana (some of whom, like me, have now left school) will be friends for life! They know too much about me to not be! (That was a joke – kind of!) My own kids often refer to the Houghton gang ‘Billy, Rosie, Jamie; and later Sophie and Tom with whom they’ve grown up in Bangkok as like having extra cousins. Over the years they’ve not only met grannies, grandpas, uncles and aunties but have been on holidays with them and spent key celebrations together. Friendship really has merged into family time. During the years we’ve not been with our own folks, friends have been happy to lend their family out and Christmas days have been spent with a variety of grandparents, aunts and uncles all mucking in and enjoying time together. I think this is a pretty special status to reach, so despite the potential cons I declare that good expat friends are about the best friends a person can have..

​I blogged yesterday about what it was like being married to the Secondary Principal. After writing my post the girls said to me that if I thought it was bad being the Principal’s wife then I should try being the Principal’s kids! I retorted if they think that was bad then they should try being the Principal’s kids’ mum! (By the way I’ve got no idea if the apostrophes are correct in the last sentence.)
 
Our comments were largely tongue in cheek as the kids have had an amazing education for which they and I are truly grateful. I’d even go as far as to say that they’ve even enjoyed being teachers’ kids, especially Betsy. She cites the following advantages and disadvantages:

​Disadvantages of Being a Teacher’s Kid

• You know that any misdemeanour is likely to get straight back to mum and dad.
• Other kids think you get away with murder when you actually have to be a good role model.
• If you win an award or get chosen to represent the school in some way other kids and even parents sometimes think it is ‘just because your dad is a teacher.’
• Whatever you do or don’t do tends to be scrutinized by friends, friends’ parents and sometimes even teachers.
• Your parents don’t let you break any rules.
• You can feel torn between being loyal to your parents and using your right to a  ‘student voice’ to complain about stuff.
• You are always having to stay late because your dad ‘is stuck’ in a meeting!

  
The girls say that as being a teacher’s kid is a fairly common phenomenon in international schools it isn't really a big deal. I do agree but, like being the Principal's wife, it has its moments ...

Remember the time when:

• Your kid was upset because their friends had said they 'could ‘get away with anything’ because their dad was ‘in charge’. The reality is that my kids felt they had to be squeaky clean or they would be judged more harshly than other kids. 
• Your kid's teacher took advantage of your close physical proximity to tell you every day for a term how they were not doing great in ‘x’ but were trying hard!
• You felt super guilty when your kid got a uniform detention about ‘too short’ shorts on non-uniform day or the day they got told off for too tight trousers. I had approved of both these uniform choices so should have taken the detention and the telling off! I maintain the clothing was fine. 
• Your kid was embarrassed when kids were making fun of other teachers’ quirks as the same teachers were their parents’ friends.
• Your kids have had to be super grown-up (on countless occasions) and not say anything that could be used as ammunition by other kids, parents or even teachers. In effect they had to sacrifice their own right to a student voice for the greater good – whatever that is.
• Your kids have had to put up with the embarrassment of their dad speaking in nearly every school assembly and event.

 
It breaks your heart to see your kid sad at school, which can happen when you are also there all day every day. I've found that sometimes I've  just have to speak up for my kids and risk the wrath of colleagues who might feel betrayed. Often though, being part of a system I've found it prudent to bite my tongue (and vent in an odd third person blog style way later!). It really isn’t the done thing to be ‘one of those’ mums! 

Ultimately, I've found being a teacher’s kid’s mum has meant I've been able to see on a daily basis all of the truly fantastic educational opportunities the kids have had. I've had the knowledge to tap into everything on offer and been in the position of understanding most of it. Being part of a school that lives its mission, has a great teaching staff and a wonderful pastoral system intent on improving the well-being of all the kids has been as reassuring as it gets. All in all being the teacher''s kids' mum has been a privilege.

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I guess that was a bit of a clickbait title as I’m not quite married to the boss, but I have been part of an expat teaching couple for many years. I am married to the Secondary Principal of a school I used to work in. This came with advantages and disadvantages that I think that lots of teaching couples, close friends or married people working together in any profession can relate to. It’s not always plain sailing.

 Remember the moment when:

• Your husband suddenly gets a promotion and colleagues who have passed you in the corridor before, without acknowledging you, turn into Mary Poppins level friendly, chatting about this and that, enquiring after the kids and being nicer than pie.
  • The same Mary Poppins approaches you a few days later and casually pulls out of her magic bag a whole list of recommended changes that ‘your husband’ might be able to implement – hint ‘put in a good word please.’
  • Mary Poppins blanks you a few weeks later because you seemingly haven’t taken the hint. When passing you in the corridor they now bear more of a resemblance to Cruella deVille than Ms Poppins.
•  You enter a room of friends you’ve gossiped and laughed with over the years and the atmosphere freezes. ‘What on earth has he done now?’
• These same colleagues suddenly also become more cautious than a Volvo driver when around you. Conversation turns bland and if things were to be believed, the school is more welcoming than immersing into a hot tub with a glass of prosecco on a balmy night. (I don’t have a hot tub and don’t drink alcohol but you get the idea!)
• Every conversation seems to start with ‘Your husband should…’, I didn’t know I was employed as a messenger!
• You want to punch a colleague in the nose for point scoring against your husband in a public forum when he has little right of reply.
•  You want to punch your husband in the nose for being a bloody idiot.
•  You ask your husband advice on some dress code issue. When he gently replies that  your new clothing might not adhere to it and shouldn't be worn for school you fume, resent and storm. Everyone else breaks the dress code so why do I have to be such a 'goody goody'. I’m fully aware I sound about 14 years old there!
•  You squirm for the colleague who is lovely and inadvertently puts their size 14 foot in it, not knowing you are married to the Principal.
• A colleague assumes you spend every evening discussing school and practically accuses you of lying when you declare your ignorance regarding a particular issue. The reality is that my husband’s number of coherent words per day output is very limited and most of them are used up during the school day.
• When everyone thinks that something you worked really hard to push through was achieved because ‘you just get what you want’. If only ..
• You feel prouder than punch because the old man has stuck to his principles, but there isn’t a person in the world you can share this with as confidentiality is your middle name.

Travelling with a Grown up Family

There are lots of tips for handling holidays with tiny-tots or teenagers, but far less information around for managing harmonious travel with grown up, or almost grown up children. These are my top tips for ensuring a harmonious time, rather than a holiday from hell

Time Out Don't feel you have to do everything together all of the time. Your kids are used to being independent so let them have some space. If they don't want to do everything with you and just want to 'chill' at home don't sweat it, it doesn't really matter if they don't tick off everything on your 'sight-seeing' agenda.

Treat your Family Like Friends Although I'm a firm believer that parents should be 'parents' to their off-spring and not their 'friends', I relax this rule a bit on holidays. After all in the same way you choose which friends to travel with you are choosing to take your grown up kids away with you. It makes sense to therefore afford them the same level of respect that you would your actual friends. If that sounds too 'goody-goody' to be true, it really isn't - all I mean is wait untli they are not there to have a moan and gossip about them! 

Timings Know yours (and more likely your kids) tolerance levels of how much time they can spend together as a farmily unit before everyone starts driving each other mad. It is quality not quantity that is important! So if after a week or two your grown-up children want to dump you and go  back to their uni friends for a few days don't take it as a personal snub. Guilt tripping them is not a good plan. #Just saying! 

Phones Do not comment on screen time usage. They are grown ups and can use their phones as much as they like. I was going to say don't feel obliged to foot the bill for extra 4G data when travelling in remote areas, but who am I kidding, just pay the bill! 

Reminisce Presumably if you are travelling with grown up kids it is because holiday experiences have been fun in the past. Take a trip down memory lane and reminisce about the good times you've had together.

Play Games In my opinion you're never too old to play cards after dinner..

Assign Roles Keep the whole family engaged in the trip by involving everyone in the planning of the days and the assigning of organisational roles such as navigator or restuarant chooser. If someone doesn't like their role agree to swap the next day.

Keep Busy Have plenty of things to do, Just like when the kids were little ensure there is reading material on hand, cards, games, and plenty of activities to participate in. Be active and keep the endorphines pumping with plenty of brisk walks! 

Join in the Fun Joke, be daft, relax, have fun. Be prepared to be the butt of the kids jokes (to a point!)

Be Vulnerable The kids are grown up and it is ok to share with them what it means to you to spend time with them. This will make them feel valued.

Be your Best Self (Well at least for some of the time!) If you are like me half of the conversations that you have with your 'grown up' kids, will be about practicalities and organisational things. Use this time to really connect at a deeper level. Chat with the kids about their lives and even perhaps share stuff about yourself.  Ask questions (without being too nosey!) seek their views, and remember and respect what they have to say. In essence, be your best self. 

And if all that sounds too much like hard work remember that they are grown up and don't have to come. With that in mind (shock, horror!)  my final tip is:

Take a Break from the Family!  I've had the time of my life with Mick and our girls on our recent NorthCoast500 Land Rover adventure. Without an ounce of sarcasm, my gratitude book overfloweth. I've loved it. Also, since returning I've enjoyed spending time with my own parents. (I wonder if they are giving advice to their own friends about managing time with a middle-aged interfering daughter?! Maybe, maybe not!) I do though have a quick mini-break planned for next weekend too, and there won't be a family member in sight.!

What was that about being my best self?! It seems it's harder than it looks, but never mind! Watch this space for my next post on the value of nurturing friendship!