My dad's had a bit of  time of it this last year with his health, so we've been vey grateful to have the NHS to draw upon. I'm a huge advocate for nursing staff particulary and feel they are incredibly underpaid and undervalued by our government. We have had some amazing care and attention given to us so because of this I've been loathe to criticize the NHS.. thus far.... We've also had some pretty rubbish experiences though and every now and then it is very hard not to have a sense of humour crisis about some of the things that have happened to us. However, rather than just write a long (and it would be long) list of 'issues', instead I'll sum up in a couple of paragraphs or what I'd do if I ran the NHS!

Firsly I'd:

• Ensure the right hand knew what the left hand was doing. I'm of the view that this could save the NHS billions and  the absence of it is the single biggest flaw in the system. This could be achieved by:

1. Having everyone's records centralized electronically. It was only two weeks ago that a very officious appointment maker in the Parkinson’s department informed me that my dad had never been to Parkinson’s appointments because there was nothing on record. My dad has had Parkinson’s for 15 plus years. I think the officous appointment maker was probably mistaken!
2. Assigning a specific GP to a patient and then a single follow on consultant to make 'big' decisions. It strikes me that everyone is so desperate to 'cover their own back' that patients are too quickly passed around departments. It can feel like that this is just to get the patient 'off the hands' of the doctor in charge of the department they were originally seen by. Also there seem to be little or zero follow up. Thus, for example, a patient is sent to be evaluated about their suitability for a pacemaker, when knowledge of other conditions would immediately show that it isn't suitable. 

Next I'd:

• Completely overhaul home care provision. I've already blogged about care for the elderly, but there is much that could be done to help people with long term illnesses or the elderly at home. Again, have a key contact person who can assist with navigating the chaos of multiple providers of different types of care. There is so much on offer (be it district nurses, morning and night carers, disability care, mental health services and a ton more), but navigating through it all can be so confusing that ultimately people get overlooked and missed. One task I set myself this trip home was to create a list of all the different contacts we have and might need for dad. Despite having, what my dad would describe as ' a string of degrees' it has proven way to hard for me. 

And:

• Personalise care and have smaller hospital wards so that the patient is likely to become familiar with the staff on duty on it. I think having so many nursing staff can be disorientating and unhelpful. 

And finally I'd:

• Have a universl code of conduct that disallows big sighs and the creation of the vibe of you're a difficult customer when you ask questions. To the families concerned the patient is not just one amongst many.

Actually that's probably not as insignficant and facetious as it sounds.  I do feel that the NHS has reached such a crisis point of probable underfunding and definite understaffing in some areas, (along with very poor deployment of staff in others),  that patients very often feel that they are a nuisance and that is at least in part created from the vibe they get from the people attending to them. Many staff members are legitimately at the end of their tether, so consequently when using the service the patient senses that the staff are 'hard done by'. There's no wonder many older people don't want to 'bother their doctors'. Obviously most staff are kind, caring, down to earth, we get it and of course you should fight your corner for your family type of people, but I've also lately encountered a few of the othes who unconsiciously emit the negative vibe!  There's the:

• Puffing and panting, I've got so much to do and I'm walking so quickly, and I really can't stop and talk to you type.
• Please go to the next counter, yes, I know it is too high for the wheelchair, but I'm eating a yoghurt and I don't want to move type. (This is in areas where staff could be perhaps better deployed.)
• I'll do anything to avoid eye-contact type because yes, I also know there are 77 people in the waiting room already and you've just arrived. (That was the case today.)

​But they're relatively few and far bewteen and are countered by the: 

• There's also the, yes that doctor was a twit, but I'll explain things for you properly, life saving type. We encountered her too today. Thank you.

Anyway, I''ve wittered on enough. For anyone who knows me, I guess it makes a change from listening to me spout about what I'd do if I was in charge of education!  (By the way, I know my comments are naive and it's not really that easy to fix the greatest free medical service in the world, but I'm trying to fulfil my June challenge of not overworrying and analysing!) But just to finish . did I mention that THERE IS A HUGE MAJORITY OF WONDERFUL HEALTH CARE WORKERS WHO DO WONDERFUL WORK in the NHS. (Bother, think I've just failed my June challenge!)  I do like to be fair though. If I did rule the NHS I would definitely give 'those wonderfully caring and nurting vocational types' a 100% payrise. I'm sure the Bankers' bonsues would cover it! Is the NHS Nifty, Healing and Successful? Well I'd like to think it would be if I ruled the world!

I’ve set myself a challenge, it’s nothing to do with diets or exercise or quantities of books devoured. … read on and see if you’d care to join me.
 
I was talking to some friends the other day and we unearthed a very similar pattern of behaviour amongst us. It came as a surprise that we have set of similar core traits in how we conduct ourselves, as my perception of our characters is that we are all quite different. Consequently, I wouldn’t have expected it. To a greater or lesser extent we all had the following in common:

• Not liking to upset the apple cart.
• Often being overly sensitive to criticism.
• Always being quick to say sorry if we realise that we are in the wrong and even sometimes when we’re not.

We all fight this instinct and do make strong decisions. We stick to our guns and lead effectively in both our professional and personal lives,  but it comes at some personal cost.
 
I feel like I have ‘superpowers’ in these traits and can take them to extremes. If I know I’ve upset someone and I’m in the wrong (admittedly seldom-kidding!)  I can really ‘overdo’ making amends and live the regret for ages. Even when I’m sure that I am right I still find any kind of conflict upsetting. Over, the years, I’ve fretted over how I can choose to not follow someone’s advice or seem ungrateful for it without giving offence to them. In addtion, I’ve spent way too much of my professional life circumventing conflict and wording tactful emails to reach a desired goal. I guess that could be seen as a positive, but it would be so much easier to just be direct.
 
I have been pondering if these are traits more likely to be found in women of my age than men? Or I wonder if similar traits are always likely to be found amongst a group of friends because similar types flock together? What do you think ?
 
I think that I think many women of my generation tend to feel this way  because as girls we were taught to be polite and amenable. This behaviour is praised, so even though I’m a fully fledged 50 year old it is hard to make waves. I will, but I don’t like to do so, Then, because of this, for many of us our first reaction is to be a ‘pleaser’.  Also, perhaps part and parcel of being amenable and a pleaser is presenting as relaxed and chilled and easy going. Therefore it is easy to defer to someone presenting a strong personality.

This all bothers me. I don't want to confirm so neatly to generational expections! so I’ve decided it is a good time to fight the ‘pleaser within and put away my paper-thin skin. As such these are my June targets:  

• To be direct.
• To not over think things a million times for fear of upsetting everyone.
• To not do a post mortem after every single difficult conversation.
• To not assume I’m wrong until proved otherwise.
• To use the time not wasted on ‘worrying’ to do something more productive.

(As an aside, I just shared the content of this blog post with Saint Mick. His response was "so in other words you’re going to be a bloke for a month!")
 
I'll choose to ignore that, it sounded facetious and the first productive thing I will go do is get a cup of coffee and a piece of carrot cake. This is going to be tough for me  - the challenge, not eating the carrot cake, that will be easy!
 
If you are a pleaser too do you care to join me…?

Last night I had the most horrible dream. The type of dream that isn’t at all subtle and brings all your worries to the surface. It actually woke me up crying, which is really weird as I’m not much of a crier! I can’t say that I’m not prone to the odd tantrum and door slamming episode when I’m not getting my own way, but most of the time, I and the rest of my family have a more ‘British stiff upper lip, let’s get on with things the best we can’ approach to life.
 
Why do we cry?
 
I think when I do resort to tears it is more likely to be through frustration than anything else. They, whoever they are, say women at work must be professional and never cry, however it isn’t always possible to rein in emotions. I remember a couple of years ago feeling so frustrated that a very poorly colleague and friend of mine wasn’t getting a fair deal at work. Ironically it was only when angry tears leaked out that things started to happen to improve her situation. It seems tears can be powerful. Whilst I am opposed to pretty much everything Theresa May stands for, I still felt sorry for her as she struggled to contain her emotions as she stood outside Number 10 the other day. Tears also seem to be a trigger for sympathy and empathy.
 
Revealing our prejudices
 
Reflecting on how we respond to tears is I think, quite revealing, though having just done so, I’ve realised it doesn’t necessarily show us in the best of lights. For me, I think it has, once again made me realise just what a sexist feminist I actually am! Recently I have:

• Encountered the tears of a 50 plus woman and instead of addressing the reason behind the tears, assumed  they are the result of hormones and largely ignored the issue behind them. I have now given myself a thorough telling off about this! 
• Encountered a male colleague bursting into tears over a work decision that had gone against him. I felt far more awkward than if the colleague had been female.  In this situation athough I’ve told myself off for being sexist, I do think he should have been a bit more mature! I probably judged him more harshly than I would a woman or child doing the same.
• Encountered a young person in tears and been prepared to cut off my right arm to fix the situation for them.  I need to be maybe less sensitive to tears as a trigger and let them run their course without thinking it is the end of th world.
• Felt great empathy for a male friend whose personal very sad circumstances drove him to tears, but felt awkward nevertheless. Once again, I need to stop being so sexist. 

It’s interesting isn’t it how we respond to the tears of others. Perhaps they are not as relevant as I’m suggesting and just a trigger for an outward manifestation of feelings that we already hold. Or alternatively perhaps our responses do reflect our ageist and sexist society and how we are unable to fully ever extricate  ourselves from it.
 
Manipulating tears
 
A lot of our response to tears is probably at an unconscious level, but I wonder how many of us can actually ‘turn on the tears’ or use them to our advantage. I wouldn’t say I’m good at this, but there have been occasions, even recently when I’ve known crying will lessen the negative consequences of a situation. For example, when I recently crashed the car the other driver was far more sympathetic than he might have been once he saw a middle aged woman with a wobbly lip emerge from the other vehicle! I’ve got a feeling that women do manipulate tears far more than men because it is seen as acceptable to do so. I’m trying to figure out what the parallel for men is.
 
Crying is a good thing

We mustn’t forget the good side to tears:

The emphasis of young people on improving mental health and encouraging boys and girls to cry from a young age has got to be a positive.  I wonder though if all teachers and parents have really caught up with this concept. I very much suspect in homes and classrooms across the world right now boys are being tussled out of their tears with rough play as girls are being cuddled out of theirs. I might be wrong, of course, but it is interesting to consider how we do treat young children differently.  This study shows how gender stereotyping in managing tears starts at as young as three years old. 
 
There is nothing better than a cathartic cry at a good book and who can deny the benefits of a proud mum’s tears at a school concert. I’ve got a feeling my own kids might actually judge my level of pride at their success on whether the waterworks get turned on or not. Betsy asked me if I cried at her IB graduation and seemed slightly perturbed that I did not! Looking at language for a moment, what an interesting phrase ‘turning on the water works is. I can’t quite figure out if it is negative or not. 

I recently felt pretty close to tears when a very successful blogger and influencer, Middle Aged Mamma, mentioned me in her o​wn blog. Check it out here. I’m not sure if my tears would have been 50-something hormone driven, or just sheer gratitude led. As there was no one else there around I guess I can’t be accused of trying to manipulate my audience!  
 
Anyway, next time you’re driven to tears, or perhaps  after  they’ve dried up, why not take a moment to analyse what they reveal about yourself. The result might just suprise you!

I have just spent a pleasant hour reading the Kate Greenaway medal shortlisted titles for this year. It made me sad and nostalgic that I won't get to share them with the kids at school. We have always enjoyed reading them, voting for our favourite title and discussing the issues they explored. The kids made connections, sometimes even to the previous year's titles and remembered the stories way after I'd forgetten them. Sometimes we added to this a little research activity, author study quiz, or creative writing and drawing extension activity, though for me, it was always sharing the story that was fun. I'm not a big believer in forcing written responses to reading (it kind of kills the magic).  Anyway, I didn't always realise it, but those were fun days. 

There are, however, certain advantages to reading the books alone, by myself, from the comfort of a sofa, not least being able to enjoy a cup of tea and a hob-nob as I read. Despite being a little regretful to not be having the follow on discussion and excitement that sharing books with little people brings, I still enjoyed them and as stories are 'want to do' they got me thinking. It sort of felt like a ton of rusty doors in my old grey matter had been opened, with each room having a different set of thoughts and issues to ponder on. Consequently I've now got absolutely no idea what to blog about. There are just so many options! Will it be one of these things?:

• A chat about what being transgender means in 2019. Reading Julian is a Mermaid by Jessica Love has made me reflect on the issue again. I've reviewed books on this issue before on Goodreads. I'm so pleased this book is on the short list; it sits well next to George by Alex Gino for Primary kids and Lily and Dunkin by Donna Gephart for Secondary kids and will hopefully reignite lots of chat. (It makes me feel like writing a whole curriculum unit across the age ranges looking at audience, purpose, writing style, theme and the whole shabang. Don't worry, I'm not such a nerd, and the urge will fade.)
• The shocking statistics about transgender sucides. The Jessica Love book has clearly made an impact on me this morning. 
• A compilation of the zillion articles exploring the need to keep reading aloud to kids even after they can read themselves. Probably not, as I think I might have done that before back when this blog was very bookish. Oh yep, here's my blog post from then. I sound very earnest -haha! 

Could it be:

• Looking at rhyme and rhythm in picture books. that's probably a bit too specialised, but it is a fascinating topic.

Or perhaps I might write an:

• Evaluation of David Roberts Suffragette - The Battle for Equality book. It has also made it onto the Kate Greenaway list, and has good reviews, but I'm not completely sure I'm sold on it. It is a good book and clearly laid out with nice headings, but other than the contemporary nature of the topic is it so exceptional and strong that it is worthy of being shortlisted? Also, what a shame there wasn't a female or co-female author.

Perhaps I'll chat about other school-ish things eg how:

• Exam boards and publishers will be promoting equal rights for the rest of this year and probably next, but then what? Will women's rights get forgotten again? 
• The value of a true 'picture' book where it is the pictures not the words that do the talking. I would love to see Secondary kids explore books like this and see what they come up with. There are some amazing titles out there which I could blog on.
• The importance of reading shadowing schemes in schools, like the Carnegie scheme. I could reflect on whether the need for this type of scheme is greatest where schools probably can't afford to buy the books.
• School administrators have a massive role in supporting an open minded approach to  developing school library collections. 

Perhaps I'll write a more confessional blog post and acknowledge that:

• I don't actually know much about transgender issues and state that that's ok. I'm open minded and accepting so I figure that's a good starting point. I could get onto  Trump  and the implementation of the trans-military ban, but I'm not sure that will be good for my blood pressure!

I might get a bit critical and look at:

• The value (and lack of) of commonsensemedia.org as a parent group for looking at the appropriateness of texts. It has a place, but it strikes me that it is often conservative parents that write on it, thus artificially upping the reading age of the books that are reviewed

Perhaps I'll e  self-critical and give my self a kick up the bum blogging how:

• I need to stop being so lazy and glass half empty and get my new picture book out there on the market. I'll probably end up asking what's the point though,  when it seems a fruitless task. If only I was a celebrity .. or an influencer!

Or maybe I won't blog about any of these things.

​As I say, I'm not always a fan of using reading to do follow up written work, so perhaps today I'll take it easy and just enjoy having read the Kate Greenaway stories for no reason other than the enjoyment of reading them. I'll keep the personal, social and political follow-on reflections in my head. That is, until tomorrow at least!

​I read Ian McEwan's Children Act back in 2014 and wasn't disappointed. At the time I posted a review on goodreads.com, as I am want do. If you are not a member of goodreads I can't recommend it enough for keeping up with what's current, getting book reading suggestions and for using as easy way to keep check of your own reading (required if, like me, you forget everything!) 

The central question in The Children Act is whether a 17 year old boy should be forced to have a blood transfusion, which is likely to save his life, but goes against his Jehova's Witnesses' parents' (how do you correctly punctuate that?) beliefs.  I revisited the story and the question a couple of weeks ago when I watched the movie (on a flight back to Bangkok). Fiona, the powerful judge in the story, was played brilliantly by Emma Thompson alongside a fantastic cast. The topic is weighty - it doesn't get much bigger than choosing life or death and had me asking all sorts of questions to which I don't have any answers!

It  got me thinking about whether we actually 'own' our children. If the answer is yes then do we stop owning them when they turn 18? Or does it end when we stop subsidising our kids financially? Perhaps it never ends and ultimately the tables just turn and we own our parents - there's a thought to make the oldies break out in a cold sweat.  No wonder there are often fireworks in families

My first response to the question is that of course we don't own our children, but when you think about it, so much of parenting does suggest a level of belonging (positive) and being controlled (negative). Perhaps we can view ourselves as benevolent dictators! Right now, for example, Betsy is sitting with her Maths tutor, the marvellous John of www.transum.org. She didn't choose to spend her Sunday mornings doing Maths, but is a willing participant in this transaction. Does this make her my 'owned product' being forced to achieve my aim of attaining a certain level of Maths competence, or is she an independent being making free choices about preparing for her future? (IB Maths  exam tomorrow - yikes!) My other daughter, Annie, will hopefully be in the Science Library soon, at UCL revising for her Ecology exam. She did choose to study Ecology as part of her degree, and she did choose her University, but she was directed, encouraged and equipped to get there, so how much of that is actually free choice and how much is our 'owning' her life direction and choices? How much of parenting is a transaction and negotiation, and  how much is non-negotiatable and led? Have our girls complied to our overview of where they are heading or have they chosen it, trusing our guidance and leadership? You can take it further; have we, as parents, complied passively or unthinkingly to social expectations or have we  actively chosen them?

I guess you could say in my own life it doesn't actually matter, as the kids seem to be heading in a positive direction. To go really 'meta' for minute though, what if we were discussing the acceptance of an indefensible social or political system, that we believed in and were directing our children towards - then what?  It makes you think how strong you have to be to really make independent choice and reject the factors influencing who we are.

Anyway enough meandering thoughts on a Sunday morning. The Children Act is a fab book. An aside, it is also a marvellous exploration of the deteroration of a long-standing middle class marriage, arguably due to wifely neglect (rolled-eyes, as of course the wife gets the blame!)  If you haven't read it, definitely do. It's a short read but a powerful one. Then afterwards why not treat yourself to the film - always worth seeing Emma Thompson in action! (Hope she didn't have to make too many carbon-rich flights of course - tongue firmyl in cheek here!)