Empty Nest Syndrome
So the results are in. Our drive to Edinburgh (on results day) for a weekend break was tinged with nerves and trepidation. We are lucky. Betsy did well so will be heading off to York University in September! I say lucky, but I donāt want to detract from how blooming hard she worked. Well done Bets! We are of course worried about being empty nesters!Ā
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(Just before I go on – if your child hasnāt received the grades they hoped for, take a look at my earlierĀ blog postĀ for helpful hints about what to do. I know it is easily said, but it really isnāt the end of the world so keep positive. I say that from some experience – I didnāt do marvellously well in my A Levels and ended up at Essex University rather than my first choice of Reading. Looking back I wouldnāt change that for a second.Ā
Betsy spent the final part of the journey to Edinburgh on the phone to her friends sharing exam news. I was impressed with how gracious the kids were to each other in their discussion of results. Once that was done her next self-assigned task was to share her news with her teachers and Mathās tutor. I think that her eagnerness to do this is testament to what a great educational experience sheās had. ThanksĀ Bangkok Patana SchoolĀ andĀ Mr T.Ā
Annie’s made a video of her trip. It took her all of 5 minutes! You’ll easily spot the bits I’d edit out, but it’s nice to have as a keepsake.
My first reaction to Betsy having acquired what she needed for university was relief rather than jubilation. Mick did better than me at feeling unadulterated joy and pride, whereas my emotions were more mixed – kind ofĀ nostalgia,Ā prideĀ and a sense of loss all mixed up together. I had the craziest of dreams on Wednesday night. It was something to with stars being turned off and me rushing to turn them back on. (That was along with a load of other stuff, but ātheyā say that other peopleās dreams are boring so I wonāt bother sharing.) I dream a lot but they are never very subtle. You donāt have to be Einstein to figure out that this dream was all stuff tied up with anxiety that my baby girl is leaving home! Once again, empty nest syndrome kicking in. I can imagine Saint Mick eye-rolling now āĀ at least enjoy the results for a couple of days before fretting about next steps!
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I suppose if I think about it Iām being a bit (a lot) selfish. Never mind about worrying whether Betsy will be homesick and enjoy her course, letās make it all about me! Did I really sit in a restaurant with the family last night and insist that they help me plan out what I might do to starve off the sense of loss and make a new life for myself next year sans kids, sans job sans allā¦ ? Yes I did.Ā
Tips for Handling Empty Nest Syndrome
I didnāt really come up with any answers but here are a few ideas to starve off āEmpty Nest Syndromeā.
Travel.Ā If you are lucky enough to afford to do this then take weekends away with your spouse and reconnect. Donāt feel guilty about this but enjoy the ācouple timeā.
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More Travel.Ā Again, if you are lucky enough to afford to do this then take weekends away with your mates. Set the world to rights, share your news and moan about your spouses to your hearts content. (I donāt mean that last bit – not really!)
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Treats.Ā To be honest I havenāt let having kids at home prevent me from lots of treats, but if you havenāt found time for massages, shopping trips, walks in the parks and curling up with a good book, now is the time.
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Write down your Goals.Ā When I was working I always wrote down my days āmust doā tasks and after quitting work and feeling a bit list for a while I started it again. Once both girls have left home I think to keep my sense of equilibrium this is going to be even more necessary.
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Keep Perspective.Ā The kids are going to Uni not the moon. You can text, phone, face-time, send postcards and letters (when Annie left I sent her a postcard twice a week for the first year.) During the second year I didnāt send any. Is it very bad to admit I couldnāt quite be bothered!
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Hobbies. Personally I find this a little bit wishy-washy and twee. Itās going to take more than Betsy leaving home for me to hone my knitting skills sufficiently to make myself an arran jumper (you can tell Iāve just been in Edinburgh), but I think a hobby, along with a personal goal can be effective. For me Iām going to not let my swimming slip and Iām even thinking of doing that zero to five km running challenge. I need to research it more first ā haha!)
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Read.Ā Best escapism in the world. UseĀ goodreadsĀ to set a āreading challengeĀ target.
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Last Times.Ā When Annie left home I thought it would be the last time we did lots of things together ā last summer holiday together, last road trip, last time she āstill belonged to meā, last picking up after her, lastĀ ā¦ Not so. Talk about blooming melodramatic! My mum said to me āLet her go and sheāll come back.ā Did I tell you that my mum is a very wise lady!
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Diary Writing.Ā Even though I still had Betsy at home I really was gutted when Annie left. Specifically, my anxiety about her safety was through the roof. One way I managed these negative emotions was keeping a diary devoted specifically to exploring them. I call it my āAnnie bookā.Ā I didnāt really come up with strategies there and then for handling the feelings, but found that writing them down helped counter the worry and enabled me to focus on what a bloody brilliant independent young woman she is. I think this time round I am more aware that it is ok to be sad.
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In a similar vein, Iām feeling a little more together now Iāve thought through this. I might even give the kids and Mick a bit of attention instead of solely focusing on me! Ā The drive home from Edinburgh is saturated in anticipation and pride at what theyāve all achieved and what is yet to come. OK, Iām exaggerating a bit, but I think Iāve, at least, made a step in that direction.
